The Authority Vol. 2 #2
By Robbie Morrison and Dwayne Turner with Sal Regla and David Baron
Published by DC/Wildstorm
How long have we been doing this dance?
Over four years, by my count. How long has the latest Hulk title -- the one that kicked off with awful shit by John Byrne (but decently drawn by Ron Garney back when he still gave a fuck) -- been around? 50 issues? Is that four years? By my memory, I started reviewing comics online in April of 1999. So, over four years. I could go all disingenuous (why does Dictionary.com need pop-up ads? Assholes.) on you and say "I'm in my fifth year of reviewing," but that would be -- that would be disingenuous.
So what am I? A respected comics commentator? Is that what I am? You probably weren't reading my first website -- this godawful Angelfire thing, which was mostly used so I could sell bootleg Babylon 5 videotapes to people in Russia and Scotland -- man, there was money to be made in the mid-'90s. But anyway, yeah, you probably never saw that site.
But I started reviewing funnybooks on it -- like I say, the Hulk one was one of the first. So I've been doing this a while. I wrote for another site before this Comic Book Galaxy thing got started -- and now, here I am, in my fifth year of commenting on comics, so I must be a respected comic book commentator.
I must be respected; Marvel asked me to pitch to write a book not long ago -- on the recommendation of one of the former writers of this very title I'm reviewing right here, as a matter of fact. He, at least, seems to respect me. And my son does, too, when he's not telling me to "Shut up." It's so cute when he does that. I wonder if it'll be cute when he's 17 and I tell him he can't drive my car? Probably not. There'll probably be yelling and screaming and --
Shit, speaking of yelling and screaming, look at the Midnighter's motherfucking mouth on the cover of this book. I mean, him and his husband Apollo (and I am very much pro-gay, thanks, but you know, it seems weird to call him that -- am I a bigot? Because it seems weird?) -- but Apollo's got his gob all wide with the openness too. Giant gaping maws on the cover of this book. The guy they're yelling at has his trap way open, too. I'm glad there's no word balloons on this cover, they'd be all "YAAAAAAAAAAAH! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" And Hawksmoor, see him there? He's smart, he isn't saying anything. If I was in this book I'd keep a low profile too. What an embarrassment. "What do you do?" "I'm in the Authority." "Oh, I love that book!" "Yeah, I'm in Volume Two now." "Oh, that one SUCKS!" "Yeah. I try to keep quiet and shit."
Midnighter -- he used to be my favourite character back when this book was any goddamned good at all -- Midnighter's mouth looks like you could fit an entire overstuffed deli sandwich in there. I mean, a normal sandwich has like 3, 4 ounces of meat on it. If you even eat meat. But an overstuffed one? Roast beef, or turkey? Pastrami? Maybe 6, 8 ounces of meat. A half-pound of dead animal flesh, piled high with lettuce, tomato, onion, all the fixings. There's a place in Albany that has stuff like sprouts and baked apple slices and shit on their overstuffed deli sandwiches. You'd think that'd be weird, but it's actually pretty good. I don't honestly think anyone needs a half-pound of meat on their sandwich, though, and certainly not all at once. And for sure, Midnighter could just swallow an entire overstuffed deli sandwich in his mouth on this cover -- sprouts and all.
I didn't used to write about overstuffed deli sandwiches back in 1999, when I first started doing this. But I'm a respected comics commentator now. Ask anybody. Seriously.
Anyway, this book sucks beyond all comprehension. I mean, you knew it would suck, but it sucks more than that. Like, before you had sex? You knew it would feel good? But still, the first time you had it -- better than you imagined, right? The Authority Volume Two is like that, only in reverse. It's -- it's the opposite of sex. And that's not good.
Page 1 has Apollo hovering over a burning Chicago. His legs are about 2 feet long, maybe shorter, and his feet have been grafted together by an evil, unknown foot-grafting force. On page 2 Jack Hawksmoor punches some guy and his jaw shatters and there's teeth and blood everywhere, like in the old days when the book didn't suck, except now it sucks. He also talks to the city like Warren Ellis used to have him do and The Doctor creates a new universe very matter-of-fact like, and if you're a little drunk and it's dark in the room when you read it you might go "Oh, this is almost not lousy" but you're wrong and a little drunk.
The first time I ever got drunk I drove my car home in a blizzard, did I ever tell you that? I was 19 and stupid as hell. Jesus, was I a fucking idiot. Yeah, I wrecked my car. I was damn lucky no one else got hurt. I broke my thumb. Didn't drive again for nearly a year.
Anyway, in the book here, Joe Morton from Terminator 2 (which came out on DVD again for the 3rd time this week) is cast as a terrorist from an alternate dimension who the Midnighter yells at a lot without ever once offering him a deli sandwich, overstuffed or not. The Doctor turns a bunch of soldiers into girls. Dwayne Turner seems to be swiping his faces from Hitch now, which I guess is fine, Hitch is the best artist the title ever had -- back when it wasn't a big steaming smelly turd like it is now.
Two pages are wasted telling us who The Authority are -- hey, dumbfucks, we know who The Authority are. We don't know who you are, and we hate this book. I'm sure you're kind to children and small animals and turn your scripts and art in something close to on time and give to charity, but your Authority stinks on ice and and and
...
Oh, there's an ad for Absolute Authority Vol. 2 in here, which reprints in a nice format stories from the last time when this book Absolutely did not FUCKING SUCK, like it does now.
Then there's a big attack on The Carrier and a glowy spider-guy has Swift in his clutches and OH MY GOD TO BE CONTINUED.
How can I stand the suspense?
How can they publish this shit? Everyone knows this book is so fucking over and done with. Nobody cares anymore. It was good once. Hell, it was GREAT once, but that time is -- here, let me make this clear --
THAT TIME IS LONG SINCE PAST.
When they, Marvel I mean, when they asked me to pitch to write a title -- and you think I'm kidding but I'm not and I don't care because no one has read this far anyway except people who really like me and there's damn few of those -- anyway, when Marvel asked me to pitch -- which I swear to God they really did -- I thought the funniest line in the description of the proposed title was, all-caps, "THIS IS A BOOK ABOUT FAILURE." Like, that was the high-concept, the theme. The Authority Volume Two is like that.
THIS BOOK IS A FAILURE.
Really, it is. No one likes it. NO ONE.
Just to be clear, Morrison, Turner, they've both done work I liked in the past. Nothing against them. Seriously, guys, you're ever in upstate New York stop by Albany and I will buy you an overstuffed deli sandwich and you can have sprouts and baked apples or a full POUND of deli meat if you want. I have NOTHING against you at all. This is a thankless task you've been given and it's understandable that you aren't succeeding, because THIS BOOK IS A FAILURE and it's more to do with editorial policy than anything else, but I've written enough about that in regard to this title over the past few years (making me a respected comic book commentator) and we're all worn out, just like the concept of The Authority. Seriously no one wants this. Ever again. Poor Joe Morton. Grade: 0/5