Top Cow Book of Revelations
By Many, Many Bad Creators and Carlos Pacheco, Who Really Ought To Know Better
Published by Image Comics
You know what would be awesome? If you could take every bad character in comics and put them all together in one giant monthly comic that you'd never have to read. You'd always know where the lousy stories about lame, superficial characters with bad art and corny scripting were, and you could safely ignore it forever.
Top Cow Book of Revelations is a very, very good start.
For the outrageous sum of $3.99 U.S. or $5.45 Canadian, you can treat yourself to page after agonizing page of ugly, ugly artwork and gigantic blocks of text that no sane person could ever possibly give two shits and a fuck about.
You can learn all about Jamie Tarleton, A.K.A. "Fist," who is single, supposedly has brown eyes (that's what the description says, although he has no eyeballs in the hideous accompanying illustration) and a fabulous glowing -- wait for it -- FIST! This handsome bachelor was born July 21st, 1801 and -- oh, fuck, he's "currently presumed dead." Hm. Bad choice to start with.
Page one is good for a larf as you try to read the table of contents, which was printed on black paper with white ink for the lettering that, at least on my copy, is completely unreadable. But that's okay, I think all the text in this book is unreadable, whether it's legible or not.
This one has it all! From Witchblade to The Darkness, from Cyber Force to Weapon Zero, every Top Cow character no intelligent person has ever even heard of (never mind wants to read about) is described in intimate, mind-numbing detail. Did you know Sara Pezzini weighs 134 pounds? WELL, YOU DO NOW! Did you know even Carlos Pacheco can draw ass-ugly pin-ups? Check out the back cover and be enlightened!
All these unwanted pictures and extremely silly text is printed on very nice slick white paper, and should the environmental lobby ever catch wind of this truly criminal waste of trees, I'd imagine Nuremburg-style trials would soon follow. A note on the inside front cover states "A special thanks to all of the writers who worked on these characters over the years [I guess the artists can go fuck themselves] -- without your hard work and wonderful stories, this universe would not exist." Jesus H. Christ, if only!