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Flirting and Small Talk

I am certainly no expert in either of these areas, but I was out with some people and someone made a comment to me that made me think about this more than usual. We had been seated at separate tables and later the friend said to me "I saw you flirting with that girl over there," and I thought "Flirting? I didn't think I was flirting." So when does small talk become flirting? Is there some set of conditions that need to be met for it to be considered flirting?

I used to think that intent was the factor. If you were trying to start something, like a relationship or a sexual encounter or something, it would be flirting. But if you were just trying to enjoy the conversation and get to know the person, it is just small talk. I'm not really sure about this so much anymore, though. If you are leaving yourself open to the possibility, is it still intent? If you want to be "just friends" is it intent, because you are in it for something more? What about when you really have no idea what your intent is?

So maybe you have to look at other factors. What is being talked about, how much eye contact is being made, body language, all that good social skills stuff that those of us who went to engineering and computer science schools didn't really learn. Which makes me curious about whether or not I give off those signs, becuase it is definitely not something I am consciously controlling. Which makes me a little scared to talk to new people sometimes, for fear I will give off some kind of inappropriate signal, one way or another.

Some people I have talked to definitely know how the game is played, though, and respond in such a way that their intentions are clear and that helps me express mine. Talking to a woman and she drops a mention of her boyfriend? Probably not flirting. Talking to a woman and she mentions not being able to meet good men? Still extremely confusing to me.

I have been accused of being good at flirting at least once, but I think that is just a lucky thing that happens when I am motivated, and probably only is noticed by certain kinds of people. I don't think I could just do it anytime.

And maybe that is OK, although it would be really good for me to improve on my "small talk" skills, especially with this late summer party season approaching. We'll see how motivated I am to try and practice, I guess.